Enabler

We asked Dr. Borland about the signs of enabling, and how to put an end to the cycle of nonproductive “helping.” If you think your actions might enable your loved one, consider talking to a therapist. It’s difficult to work through addiction or alcohol misuse alone.

Why Do People Enable Bad Behavior?

Taking on someone else’s responsibilities is another form of enabling behavior. This may allow the unhealthy behavior to continue, even if you believe a conflict-free environment will help the other person. You might put yourself under duress by doing some of these things you feel are helping your loved one. Enabling behavior might be preventing them from facing the consequences of their actions. But even if all you want is to support your loved one, enabling may not contribute to the situation the way you might think it does. For example, enabling behavior may include providing the school with an excuse so someone can skip class, even if they did because they spent the night drinking.

You or your loved one may not have accepted there’s a problem. You might avoid talking about it because you’re afraid of acknowledging the problem. It often makes it worse since an enabled person has less motivation to make changes if they keep getting help that reduces their need to make change. Enabling often describes situations involving addiction or substance misuse. In fact, enabling generally begins with the desire to help. It’s not always easy to distinguish between empowering someone and enabling them.

You can’t enable depression since it’s not a behavior. Temporary support can help them make it through a difficult time and empower them to seek help. There’s a difference between supporting someone and enabling them. It’s tempting to make excuses for your loved one to other family members or friends when you worry other people will judge them harshly or negatively. But if they tend to use money recklessly, impulsively, or on things that could cause harm, regularly giving them money can enable this behavior. You might even be afraid of what your loved one will say or do if you challenge the behavior.

We sometimes reflexively feel like we have to give money or some other non-specific form of “bail.” But after a time or two, you simply become the ATM (or the dog house, or life raft). Cleaning up includes any form of shielding the person from the natural negative consequences of their own behavior. With enabling, the person might not always rely on the other person, but they might be emotionally attached, which causes them to do things they think will keep them happy, even if their actions are harming them. Setting boundaries is important in showing someone what you will and will not tolerate, holding them accountable, and avoiding the encouragement of destructive behaviors. Enabling another person’s behavior also can lead to them struggling for longer periods of time, since they never learn the skills they need to break out of the destructive cycle they are in.

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• The reason you’re letting your needs go unmet matters.
• Managing enabling behavior may require that you first recognize the root cause of it.
• The enabler might think, “I’m just trying to protect them from losing their job,” but this behavior only allows the problem to persist and delays the need for change.

The following signs can help you recognize when a pattern of enabling behavior may have developed. Enabling behaviors can often seem like helping behaviors. Most people who enable loved ones don’t intend to cause harm. It’s difficult for someone to get help if they don’t fully see the consequences of their actions. Enabling behaviors include making excuses for someone else, giving them money, covering for them, or even ignoring the problem entirely to avoid conflict. Enabling actions are often intended to help and support a loved one.

“If you’re giving and giving and giving to someone else, eventually, you’re going to start running on empty. So, when you start taking on tasks to help others, it’s only natural that eventually something has to give. Enabling can also be a way of protecting those we love from others’ scrutiny — or protecting ourselves from acknowledging a loved one’s shortcomings. It may be a decision you make consciously or not, but at the root of your behavior is an effort to avoid conflict.

In the innocent enabling stage, a person starts with love and concern for the other person, but they don’t know how to guide or help them. This can mean that they might keep the person from facing the consequences of their actions or resolve the other person’s problems themselves. By downplaying the seriousness of the situation, the enabler avoids facing uncomfortable truths, but this denial only allows the harmful behavior to continue unchecked. In the denial stage of enabling, the enabler tries to downplay or deny that there is a problem or that their actions are potentially harmful and unhealthy.

Other people tell you you’re enabling

Someone with an enabler personality has a desire to help others, so much so that they would help them even when their behaviors can harm them. This often happens out of a desire to help or protect close relationships, but it actually ends up preventing the person from facing the consequences of their actions or taking responsibility. An enabler, however, might repeatedly call in sick for that loved one at work or make excuses for their behavior, preventing them from facing enabler psychology consequences or taking accountability for their own life. Many people who are enablers may not be trying to be or be aware that they are enabling their loved ones. Enabling can look like being a cover up for others, helping them avoid taking responsibility for their own actions, or feeling too nervous to set boundaries.

Innocent Enabling

• Offer compassion, but make it clear those behaviors aren’t OK.
• If this is sounding familiar, it may be time to reassess your role in allowing problematic behaviors to continue.
• Minimizing the issue implies to your loved one that they can continue to treat you similarly with no consequences.
• For example, a partner might agree to buy alcohol for someone struggling with drinking, thinking, “If I don’t do it, they’ll get angry or find a way to get it anyway.”

You might believe if you don’t help, the outcome for everyone involved will be far worse. When you empower someone, you’re giving them the tools they need to overcome or move beyond the challenges they face. There’s often a fine line between enabling and empowering. They can also help you learn ways to empower, rather than enable, your loved one. Codependency may be linked to your past experiences and early relationships. Enabling behavior is often unintentional and stems from a desire to help.

Set (and stick to) boundaries

Over time it can have a damaging effect on your loved one and others around them. But it’s important to realize enabling doesn’t really help. Maybe you excuse troubling behavior, lend money, or assist in other ways. Enabling usually refers to patterns that appear in the context of drug or alcohol misuse and addiction.

Avoid using substances around them

The behaviors of a codependent person and an enabler can often share similarities, but they are not the same. When a person has a parent who is an enabler, the parent often relies emotionally on the child, which causes them to make excuses for the child or protect them from the consequences of their actions. It can also end up in worsened outcomes in relationships and the overall situation, as destructive behaviors continue they come with higher risk. With financial dependency, a person might provide excessive support for another person, causing them to not face the full consequences of their actions. However, this ends up in the other person continuing their destructive and addictive behaviors, and the situation worsening over time.

You might tell yourself this behavior isn’t so bad or convince yourself they wouldn’t do those things if not for addiction. People dealing with addiction or other patterns of problematic behavior often say or do hurtful or abusive things. Instead of talking about the issue, you start suggesting places that don’t serve alcohol. But avoiding discussion prevents you from bringing attention to the problem and helping your loved one address it in a healthy, positive way.

Not to be confused, enabling doesn’t mean that a person thinks the behaviors of the other person are okay, but they might tolerate them because they don’t know how to better handle the situation. When helping becomes a way of avoiding a seemingly inevitable discomfort, it’s a sign that you’ve crossed over into enabling behavior. Confronting your loved one can help them realize you don’t support the behavior while also letting them know you’re willing to help them work toward change. Financially enabling a loved one can have particularly damaging consequences if they struggle with addiction or alcohol misuse. Establishing boundaries can help prevent you from enabling your loved one’s problematic behaviors.

Understanding Enabling Behavior

Enabling someone doesn’t mean you agree with their behavior. This may be hard at first, especially if your loved one gets angry with you. For example, you might offer rides to appointments but say no to giving money for gas or anything else. They may not agree to enter treatment right away, so you might have to mention it several times. These suggestions can help you learn how to empower your loved one instead.